Remembering that unity found in acting.

Written on the 21st April 2011

A few weeks ago, I went to see my brother in his school production of Hairspray. He was only a chorus role, being a little 'un and all, but it was his first school production since being at his new school, and it was nice and I was proud of him and lovely things like that.

But I found myself sitting there, as the curtains went up and the first number began, fighting back tears. Now, I'm not going to lie, when I saw Hairspray in the West End, it made me cry; the ending of Hairspray can quite easily reduse me to tears because I'm a softy like that.

But that's the ending, when it's all happy and sentimental and all that.
Not the opening number.

It took me a while to work out why this was happening. And it was because...that used to be me. Watching my brother, dancing and singing on stage...I used to be the person on stage. And watching that rendition of Baltimore and me, I really, really missed it.

A quick bit of soul searching later, and I came to the conclusion that it was not the actual acting that I missed; the reason that I've started to zone acting out of my life and why it is definatly not a route I intend to follow anymore in a life plan sense, is that I fell out of love with pretending to be other people with different lives tomy own. I believe that if you're going to endure what is in many ways a really rubbish life to be an actor, you have to really...not just want...you have to need that; need to play at being other people. And I don’t need it anymore. I don’t even really enjoy it that much anymore.

So as I was holding back tears watching Hairspray, it wasn't that that I was missing.

It was the community you find in theatre; the connectedness. I am, at heart, a team player; I like my own company and need time alone, but I love, more than anything, being part of a larger group, who work together and look out for one another.

I've heard from many people in the theatre world that actors are egotistical people. And, yeah, with some actors...there's truth in that. But acting isn't an egotistical exercise. You are so dependent on the rest of the cast, and they are so dependant on you. You look out for one another; you cover for a some's late queue or help the panicking lead with their quick change.

I never made any really close friends through productions. Some good friends through drama classes, but even then they aren’t really close. But while you're putting on a play, for those weeks or months or however long the rehearsal period is, and for those few hours on stage, you feel closer to those people than to anyone else in the whole world.
Some of those feels of collective endeavour I have been able to find elsewhere; in politics, in the new found closeness my classes at school seem to have found in the run up to the most stressful exams we have yet to experience.

But nothing can quite match that unity that was putting on a play; that unity both practical and creative.

After the first two big numbers I somewhat managed to get over and instead be grateful that I didn't have to deal with the serious problems with the mikes that the cast were experiencing...but that slight stab of loss still lingered.
I'm very, very happy that I have the experiences I've had in the world of acting. But I also in no way regret leaving it; this is in so many ways the right thing for me to do.

 But that feeling of togetherness and community...sometimes, yeah, I miss it.

Something old, something new...

It just turned midnight and I may finally have a blog layout which I’m somewhat content with.

So, several months ago now, for certain reasons I privated my old blog. Today I finally got round to unprivating it, however, I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a new blog for a bit so…here it is. I will probably flick back and forth between the two; I want this to be for proper, written, structured content, but will probably continue to use my old blog for pic spams and things like that.

Soon after privating my old blog, I started to try and cut back on my internet activity. This had a lot to do with my then up and coming exams, and the fact I didn’t want to fail them at all, and so, for the first time in my life, really, properly, seriously and determinedly studied for my exams. However, I still ended up spending a good deal of time on the internet. I was successful in not dailyboothing, except for a couple of occasions, and I stopped reading blogs and watched less youtube videos. But the type of activity you participate in is different to the actual number of minutes spent online, and twitter and facebook…well, I was still on them. Quite a lot. And probably more than I should have been.

However, looking back…I wasn’t on the internet as much as I thought at the time. Then, any time not working felt like forever because I felt like I “HAD TO BE WORKING 24/7 AND IF I DIDN’T I WOULD DIE OMG!!!!”. And twitter and facebook were a good outlet, as well as helping to generate and maintain a sense of community with my fellow examinees.

Still, I probably could have spent just a little less time refreshing my browser.

When exams were finished I thought I would be back online a lot more. But I also was determined to kick the habit of being online for no good reason, and really doing nothing there but refreshing twitter and facebook or watching and reading things I wasn’t actually interested in. I wanted to be active on the internet; to blog again and better, to start making proper youtube videos, to actual go on skype more and talk to people…but if I was doing none of these things to get off the internet and do something else.

What ended up happening wasn’t exactly that.
Since exams ending, I have been very busy. It’s been truly, truly wonderfully busy; so many things that I had been unable to do for around a month leading up to exams, and even before that that I couldn’t do without working out how I was going to off set the lack of work done while I was shopping or watching TV or doing out. Just being able to read a book for pleasure (which I did immediately on the train home from my last exam) felt so good. The freedom was, and still, really, is, amazing.

But that business (in addition to preparing for a drama exam and, now, working at the local primary school) meant I ended up spending far less time on the internet (and for that matter a great deal of time away from home) than I had been, probably, during exams.
It certainly meant all content creation went out of the window.

Something of a lull, however, in my activities (well…debatable…my to do list for today was freakin’ long, but I am at least at home somewhat) has given me an opportunity to start the new blog I’d been planning. However, despite my long (and may I add, once I publish this blog post, completed) to do list, I managed to find a good couple of hours today to do basically nothing on the internet.

And I need to stop this.
It doesn’t make me happy.

In fact I felt really pretty low during it and straight afterwards. But then after going to the bank, spending far too much money on make up, going on our tred mill and watching the west wing, reading, having a bath…I felt really, pretty good.

I love the internet.

And I want to be active on it.

But I don’t want to be wasting hours on nothing.

This isn’t, logically, a hard balance to strike.

I just have to get some fucking self control.

In other news, the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere was today. I only watched a tiny bit of it (have I mentioned today’s long to do list? Cause it was long…), but I was aware of it’s…presence.

I know everyone and their mother (well, probably not actually their mother…since…generationally…that wouldn’t make all that much sense) has been talking about how they grew up with Harry Potter and it’s like the end of childhood. But…yeah, same for me. The final Harry Potter movie comes in the same year as me turning eighteen, as me leaving school and as a bunch of other things that leave me feeling…like an adult. I know, I know that I am still really, really young, but I just don’t feel…like I child anymore.
Well, in some ways.

In other ways I still do, as the butterflies in my stomach at the Harry Potter music would indicate (and the fact that I own a wand and stuff…).

Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home...