Remembering that unity found in acting.

Written on the 21st April 2011

A few weeks ago, I went to see my brother in his school production of Hairspray. He was only a chorus role, being a little 'un and all, but it was his first school production since being at his new school, and it was nice and I was proud of him and lovely things like that.

But I found myself sitting there, as the curtains went up and the first number began, fighting back tears. Now, I'm not going to lie, when I saw Hairspray in the West End, it made me cry; the ending of Hairspray can quite easily reduse me to tears because I'm a softy like that.

But that's the ending, when it's all happy and sentimental and all that.
Not the opening number.

It took me a while to work out why this was happening. And it was because...that used to be me. Watching my brother, dancing and singing on stage...I used to be the person on stage. And watching that rendition of Baltimore and me, I really, really missed it.

A quick bit of soul searching later, and I came to the conclusion that it was not the actual acting that I missed; the reason that I've started to zone acting out of my life and why it is definatly not a route I intend to follow anymore in a life plan sense, is that I fell out of love with pretending to be other people with different lives tomy own. I believe that if you're going to endure what is in many ways a really rubbish life to be an actor, you have to really...not just want...you have to need that; need to play at being other people. And I don’t need it anymore. I don’t even really enjoy it that much anymore.

So as I was holding back tears watching Hairspray, it wasn't that that I was missing.

It was the community you find in theatre; the connectedness. I am, at heart, a team player; I like my own company and need time alone, but I love, more than anything, being part of a larger group, who work together and look out for one another.

I've heard from many people in the theatre world that actors are egotistical people. And, yeah, with some actors...there's truth in that. But acting isn't an egotistical exercise. You are so dependent on the rest of the cast, and they are so dependant on you. You look out for one another; you cover for a some's late queue or help the panicking lead with their quick change.

I never made any really close friends through productions. Some good friends through drama classes, but even then they aren’t really close. But while you're putting on a play, for those weeks or months or however long the rehearsal period is, and for those few hours on stage, you feel closer to those people than to anyone else in the whole world.
Some of those feels of collective endeavour I have been able to find elsewhere; in politics, in the new found closeness my classes at school seem to have found in the run up to the most stressful exams we have yet to experience.

But nothing can quite match that unity that was putting on a play; that unity both practical and creative.

After the first two big numbers I somewhat managed to get over and instead be grateful that I didn't have to deal with the serious problems with the mikes that the cast were experiencing...but that slight stab of loss still lingered.
I'm very, very happy that I have the experiences I've had in the world of acting. But I also in no way regret leaving it; this is in so many ways the right thing for me to do.

 But that feeling of togetherness and community...sometimes, yeah, I miss it.